I’m thinking about whether I’m emotionally ready for another relationship.
I mean, that question in itself is stupid. You’re never READY for a relationship, your mind just goes “oh, look, you have feelings” and then you might end up dating that person or you might not, etc etc.
But, after my previous relationship ended… Seven? (Eight? Eight seems more likely, but really? Eight?) Months ago, I’ve felt kind of iffy about being attracted to people. I’ve certainly felt attraction; sometimes it takes me by surprise, I thought I had a “type”, but apparently I really don’t; and I’ve fallen in love; an experience I genuinely didn’t think I would ever feel again without feeling significant fear, and it happened in the most beautiful, exciting way possible. But the idea of dating again? I don’t know how that would work out. I’m both eager to open myself up and let someone new in, and completely mortified by the idea.
I know full well I attracted Mike into my life. I was attracted to his passion, his enthusiasm, his playfulness, his willingness to grow and change and experience new things. There will always be a part of me that loves him. I wasn’t prepared for everything else that happened. I’m scared that the part of me that attracted the scary behaviour is still in me, that I’d still bring in that behaviour into my life.
And, well, there’s the physical side. I still feel mild panic when someone touches me in certain (non sexual) places. A friend playfully touched my neck and I had to fight off a panic attack. Someone held my arm slightly tighter than I was expecting and I had to retire for a few minutes to calm myself down. A customer raised his voice to me and I was almost in tears. What would happen if things became more intimate? When I let someone in, not just emotionally or physically, but sexually? I have no idea how I’d react… And I’m afraid of dating again for precisely that reason. I’m curious of the reaction and also afraid of whoever is unfortunate enough to be the partner in that experiment.
Perhaps casual dating would be best , but then I’m afraid of letting anyone new in, having to open myself up to a new relationship. Casual friendship dating is something that usually ends in tears, too.
I guess I want someone who is more intimate than just a friend, but not an official “boyfriend”. But not a fuck buddy, because we probably wouldn’t have sex, but someone who is intellectually stimulating. That I found attractive. Is there a word for that kind of thing?