I escape into fantasy
The “real world” feels dark.
So I escape into daydreams.
I go on holidays. I see friends.
Places I can put off reality.
My fantasy world.
My imagined persona.
The mask that I wear.
It’s all to cope with the crushing emptiness. To cope with the fear of having to deal with life alone.
It leaves me to wonder.
Who am I, really?
Who am I after everyone has gone?
Who am I in the darkness, when no one is watching, when no one else cares?
I keep up the mask to keep people in the dark. To keep people from seeing me.
I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to live in this fantasy. I want the real world to feel kind the fantasy feels.
That I’m accomplished
That I’m successful
That I have integrity.
I want to look inside myself and see what others see. At the moment all I see is the lie.
The lie that I’m okay. That I’m coping.
I see the financial struggle
I see the weight and the overeating
I see the need for approval and acceptance so overwhelming that I’m prepared to fight tooth and nail for it.
<em>He</em> saw it.
He saw the darkest parts of myself and used it to his advantage.
He saw the lies I told myself and the world around me, and he tried to get me to face it
He tried to force me to face it and because I refused to, he grew so frustrated and angry that he would hurt me, hit me, I drew out an anger in him that he couldn’t control.
And now, the pattern repeats. Desperately trying to claw back control over my life by pretending I’m fine. Trying to put the curtain back together. Trying to keep myself behind the mask.
But the mask is breaking. Do I have the strength to keep it up?
Do I have the strength to take it off?
I’ve faked strength for so long. How will I know what the reality of it is?